It feels so far, far away. Like maybe it all happened in a dream or a movie. But not a movie that I wrote and starred in. Just one I happen to have watched, on a loop, for several years. God, I miss that movie.
A nationally syndicated dating game show called BZZZ! (it just enjoyed a re-airing in Feb 2020 on BuzzrTV!)
Having my own TV show was a lifelong dream come true. I told E! Entertainment News in a segment, “All I ever wanted was a dog and my own TV show. Now I have both!” I was…
It was a snowy day in Cleveland. I sat alone in my much-too-large-for-only-one-person-apartment, wondering. Wondering entirely-too-intensely-about-everything-I-could-think-of. Has anyone ever died from eating non-cooked Toll House cookie dough? How long would it take to save up enough lint to make a sweater? Would George Clooney like me? If my neighbor started secretly feeding my cat Fancy Feast would Ms. Fluffypants desert me for the better meal? If I had a significant other in my life would I be boring him to tears with my ponderings?
I hear a knock at the door. I race over to the peephole and…
Robert and Susan leave their not-so-great-way-over-priced-but-in-the-right-zip-code abode and hurry into their much-too-flashy-no-matter-how-you-justify-it Mercedes Benz and speed their way through Beverly Glen to their horrid destination.
Susan stares out the window while Robert futzes with the radio dial. Where’s the big band station? Susan has her gaze out the window, lost in thought. Robert repeats, Which one is the big band station, Susan? Susan?
Not turning her head away from the passing trees she says, The flower shop across the street from us is hiring.
Honey, we discussed this, you don’t need a job. …
Anne Beatts (February 25, 1947–April 7, 2021)
a life of action
visions come in flashes
I was in an awe of your past
the company you had kept
you, the writer
you, the observer
you, the participant
you, in the thick of it
you made a life — from laughs
and you had the balls
to be a woman while doing it
yes, I was in awe of your past
and then I was gifted with your presence
in the present
I pitch a sketch and you scrunch up your face and say…
She makes ordering a salad a timely, somewhat amusing event as she does her best to channel Sally from When Harry Met Sally.
No cucumbers. I hate cucumbers. Extra tomatoes but only if they’re cherry tomatoes. No olives if they’re black but I like green, Greek olives so if you have green, Greek olives I’d like extra. No croutons if they’re whole wheat, I’m allergic, but if they’re sourdough and flavored, I’d like extra croutons. And I’d like some honey mustard, not the Dijon fancy pants honey mustard. The regular, yellow honey mustard. On the side. Extra dressing, on the…
Belinda walks into May Company and asks if they’re having an I-just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-and-I-feel-like-crap-sale. The salesperson chuckles, shakes her head and walks away.
Guess not, Belinda says to herself as she makes her way to the discount rack. She can never find anything she likes on that rack but it’s the only rack with affordable offerings for her.
Belinda and Jake were dating on and off for three years. Jake said that he loved the way Belinda let him take care of her. He loved feeling needed.
Jake told her on a lazy, Sunday afternoon, Too many women these days want to…
a childhood memory
Hoping this wall was a great short-cut on my way to school. There was a Nora’s Nails, Solar Sun Tanning, a sushi place, and a romantic little restaurant — French, Italian, I’m not sure, called Truly Yours. Walking all the way around the wall would have taken longer, obviously, so it never occurred to me to do that. I would just hop the wall. If my mom was with me I would still hop the wall and wait for her to walk around and meet me on the other side.
Sometimes I’d sit up there — on…
It’s the summer of 1998 and I’m watching Heather as she lies naked on her sundeck typing away on her laptop, sipping a wine spritzer, and singing along to her clock radio.
There’s a new station that plays nothing but The Beatles all day, she tells me.
No kidding? I reply with fake enthusiasm.
It’s 4,000 degrees on her sundeck, not to mention a bad air quality day.
Heather? What do you say we go inside now? It’s kind of hot, don’t you think?
Aw, come on. I like it out here. It feels great, she says. …