and I don’t think he liked me so much

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getty images

It feels so far, far away. Like maybe it all happened in a dream or a movie. But not a movie that I wrote and starred in. Just one I happen to have watched, on a loop, for several years. God, I miss that movie.

I used to have my own TV show

A nationally syndicated dating game show called BZZZ! (it just enjoyed a re-airing in Feb 2020 on BuzzrTV!)

Having my own TV show was a lifelong dream come true. I told E! Entertainment News in a segment, “All I ever wanted was a dog and my own TV show. Now I have both!” I was flying high. I hired my best friend at the time to be my personal assistant, kept good friends close by, and traveled the country promoting the show. I was only in my 20s, and I was already living the dream. My specific dream that I wholeheartedly believed I created with my own sheer will. …


And I let him in.

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photo from Unsplash by Dima Pecchurin

It was a snowy day in Cleveland. I sat alone in my much-too-large-for-only-one-person-apartment, wondering. Wondering entirely-too-intensely-about-everything-I-could-think-of. Has anyone ever died from eating non-cooked Toll House cookie dough? How long would it take to save up enough lint to make a sweater? Would George Clooney like me? If my neighbor started secretly feeding my cat Fancy Feast would Ms. Fluffypants desert me for the better meal? If I had a significant other in my life would I be boring him to tears with my ponderings?

Just then…

I hear a knock at the door. I race over to the peephole and look through it. I recognize the stranger from a newscast earlier in the week. …


She always has so much to say

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pen drawing by the author

Ida is the name I gave my ideas.

Ida is my inspiration. She’s my characters yammering dialogue at me just as I lie in bed, about to drift off to sleep. She’s my color palette for a new painting, the direction the pen takes in my line drawing, the surprise ingredient in my butternut squash soup.

Even as a kid, Ida was always there with words for a poem, a story, a play. Then later for screenplays, photographs, jokes, and an occasional song. Now for paintings, abstract and surreal, drawings, cartoons, and wild lines. …


so much

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photo by the author

the shore, close enough to swim to, calls to me
the land, dry and unwelcoming
I am an intruder tiptoeing on the sunburned back of someone I don’t know
thoughtful steps as if I am walking on holy land
jumping on a large rock
how many have stood on this very spot on this forgotten island?
they too would have come here by boat
they too would have felt this hot, dry, crackling land
leaping from rock to rock
sad discovery of matted poodle white fur
I approach the skeleton body of a dog long gone
overcome with grief
then reverence
stepping into the water I pull out another bone
and another
and another
a morbid scavenger hunt for one underway
carefully gathering the pieces of what once was a living, breathing being
canine teeth and canine bones
I place them on the rock around the fur
a date on a rock that has faded away
a burial washed by the sea
happy that she was loved enough for someone to write a remembrance on a stone on this faraway, little island
I say a blessing, Baruch atah Adonai, Borei et ha-kol, may you be at peace, and jump back into the water
vibrant, technicolor fish escort me back to the boat
greeted by my very much alive white poodle who licks the saltwater off my ankles
grateful for her cute face
grateful for her life
I marvel at the beauty of the world
in loss,
in remembrance,
in nature that never forgets to show up
that night the meteor shower captivates with shooting stars so grand and bright I feel like
I’m the mermaid star of a Pixar movie
later naked in the pitch-black sea, I move my dancing hands in the water around my body and
to my amazement,
thousands of neon plankton fireworks explode all around me making me
as giddy as a little girl
and I know for certain at that moment,
beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that I am,
and that I always have been,
made up of shining stars
and I suspect
that
so
are…


Audrey went to therapy

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Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I asked Audrey how her first therapy session went. She tells me…

He asked me if I ever looked forward enthusiastically towards tomorrow.

I told him, of course, because anything could happen.

Then he asked me if I ever looked fearfully towards tomorrow. I told him, of course, because anything could happen.

When I say things like that he tells me that he thinks I’m neither here nor there. I tell him that I’m everywhere. Like the Beatles song, Here, There, and Everywhere. He likes this back and forth thing of ours. I can tell.

And you know I can go on like that forever. Some witty verbal fencing with little revealed — but, a good time had by all. My kind of fun! Thing is — I went to him. I am paying him. …


A LIST!

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Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

“Read. Read anything. Read the things they say are good for you, and the things they claim are junk. You’ll find what you need to find. Just read.” — Neil Gaiman

Are you mostly “A” but still “Y” at heart?

Good. Then you will enjoy reading young adult novels. Didja know that many consider The Catcher in the Rye a young adult novel even though it was originally intended for adults?

According to Bowker Market Research, 55% of young adult books purchased are bought by adults between 18 and 44 years old.

I wrote my first young adult novel that will be out soon! (Just a Girl in the Whirl, Speaking Volumes publishing) and I absolutely loved the experience of writing it. Young adult novels really just mean that it’s a coming of age story with a teen protagonist. …


I may be plastic, but I got wisdom

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photo by my human, Annie Wood

Just kidding. Don’t hold them, let them out. I love applause! GIMMEEE ALL THE APPLAUSE!

Sooooooooo, I’ve been hanging out with my human for about a year now and in that time I have learned that humans are a big fucking mess. I mean, I have basically fixed my human’s brain with my brilliance a gazillion times. I don’t know why, but I literally have ALL the answers.

Where do my smarts come from anyway?

I think it’s a gift from the Barbie Gods, but please do NOT CALL ME BARBIE! I may come from Barbieland but I like to think I am my own person. …


A scene from a marriage

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Image by Eric Perlin from Pixabay

SALLY: Earthquake!
Bill is still sleeping. Sally nudges him.
SALLY: Bill, sweetie, get up!
Bill opens his eyes.
BILL: What is it? I’m sleeping.
SALLY: We just had an earthquake!
BILL: That’s nice.
Bill turns to his side to continue sleeping.
SALLY: It’s not nice. It’s a sign of things to come!
Sally gets out of bed and starts packing a backpack.
BILL: What are you doing?
SALLY: I keep forgetting to pack an earthquake kit.
BILL: Come back to bed, Sally. Let’s sleep. Sleep is good.
SALLY: Flashlight, first aid… what else?
BILL: We live in L.A. We have earthquakes all the time.
SALLY: Even more reason to be prepared!
BILL: It’s probably just an aftershock.
SALLY: An aftershock to what?
BILL: To a bigger earthquake someplace else.
SALLY: Oh no! Did you know that aftershocks can be larger than the original quake itself?
BILL: Good night, Sally.
Sally gets out her iPhone.
BILL: What are you doing now?
SALLY: I forgot to tweet.
BILL: Now?
SALLY: It’s customary to tweet, Did you feel it? Hashtag earthquake, after an earthquake.
Billy covers his head with his pillow.
BILL: Sleep is very important!
SALLY: Whatever. You sleep plenty.
Bill sits up.
BILL: You know what? While you’ve got your phone out, Google hypertension, stress hormones, and irregular heartbeats.
SALLY: Why?
BILL: Because all of those things are linked to not getting enough sleep!
Sally shows Bill her phone.
SALLY: Three retweets already.
Bill lies down back down and pulls the covers over his face.
After a moment…

SALLY: You really didn’t feel it?
BILL: Feel what?
SALLY: The earthquake, Bill, the earthquake!
BILL: No. Good night.
After another moment.
SALLY: You used to feel them.
BILL: They used to not bother you. People change.
SALLY: When did sleep become so important to you?
Bill begins to doze off.
SALLY: Sleep has been trending lately. Everyone is obsessed with the importance of sleep. You could be missing all sorts of things when you sleep, did you ever think of that? We used to spend more time awake when we were younger. Don’t you think? Remember? Bill? Bill?
Bill snores.
SALLY: Earthquake!
Bill snores louder.
Sally shuts the light off. After a moment.
SALLY: (whispers) You wanna have sex?
Bill springs up — suddenly wide awake.

About

anniewood

Former Huff Post contributor & dating game show host. Rom-com & YA writer, TV/film actor & artist from Hollywood. Enthusiasm enthusiast. 👊🏼 anniewood.com

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